Question by Lila: Why would my husband turn down the woman he had an affair with? When he’s recently been stalking her?
* I asked this last night but removed it, as a few women called the OW names, which TBH is neither here nor there to me, but does not really help my situation.
This is a complex situation.
I DO NOT BELIEVE MY HUSBAND IS A CHEATER BY NATURE, NOR OPPORTUNISTIC. He’s not a Tiger Woods type, out on the prowl, hunting women.
THAT SAID he had a 11-month affair in 2008 and 2009. He did not confess either, I found out by emails and texts between the pair. I also know he BEGGED her not to confirm it to me, and left her a “DON’T TELL MY WIFE, TELL HER WE WERE JUST JOKING” voicemail, which the woman played to me.
I stayed with him and he cut her off. I then found out that he was still trying to see her. She called me over the summer and told me. I confronted him and he said SHE was chasing HIM.
She then sent me an email which I could not deny (about him chasing her) and I turned to medication.
She also had a court injunction placed on him for harassment because I tried (and failed) to get one on her.
I recently found out he’d been waiting for her just before the December holidays, to ask why she got the law involved, and she was like “umm – your WIFE started it!”
4 weeks later he waited for her AGAIN and this time ran upto her and told her he was disillusioned with me and our marriage, and to “keep me in mind”. They talked for 30 mins.
She thought this was a green light and they met a few days later but he told her he was not leaving me, and she “must have misheard” him. He said he was not angry anymore (about the injunction) but asked her to move on without him.
She then sent him a note to say “why would you say I misheard you when you know damn well what you said to me? Call me if you change your mind. I’m leaving my job so you won’t see me around again!”
He has not responded to this as far as I know, and I think I’m right in this.
Why would he not reply to her? Is he biding his time? But if she’s moving next week, why is he not hounding her before he never sees her again?
In the past he HAS recontacted her even after telling her to move on, but has the injunction finally put him off her? He can’t have loved her that much for that to have killed his feelings?
Why would he stalk her only to tell her the next week he was not interested? (when he was the week before) I am just trying to ascertain where my marriage is headed, as I won’t leave.
Best answer:
Answer by cateyes
Didn’t I just answer this a couple of hours ago?
Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!
Your marriage isn’t headed anywhere. He has before, and will continue to cheat on you, and you will both continue to tolerate it and to obsessively ask questions about it on Y!A. You know, same old, same old.
Comment by Happy-2 — September 2, 2010 @ 3:59 am
Psychopaths generally act like this.
Comment by Steve-O Smash — September 2, 2010 @ 4:02 am
i think hes as confused as you are and deep down he still loves you and is afraid to lose you.
kate bush probably said it best.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ot3cVY1JESQ
Comment by waisonline — September 2, 2010 @ 4:05 am
I DO NOT BELIEVE MY HUSBAND IS A CHEATER BY NATURE, NOR OPPORTUNISTIC.
Because of this single comment – we can’t help you dear. Anything we give you advice on concerning him and this you won’t listen. Soooo…live with it.
Comment by no1advice — September 2, 2010 @ 4:29 am
He is mentally disturbed, and there is no rational reason for his actions.
Do you want us to say: “Because he is over her”? Well, that is not the case. Even if he is, it would only be for now, and he will start up again. If not with her, with some other lady.
To answer you directly: She said: If you will leave your wife, then I will see you. He did not respond. Thus, he is not willing to leave you, yet.
He is a stalker. He is dangerous. I’m not going to tell you what you should do. I think you know.
Hugs.
Comment by Richie — September 2, 2010 @ 4:38 am
You are asking a lot of “why’s” when at the end of the day, it just doesn’t f-ing matter. I’ve got better “why’s”. For intance, Why do you love someone that doesn’t love you? Why do you want to stay with someone who obviously doesn’t respect you? Why do you blame HER when it is your husband who is at fault?
Comment by Toxicpanduh #2 — September 2, 2010 @ 5:16 am
Your last words: “I won’t leave” are interesting. Why won’t you leave? I’m sure I’m not alone in thinking that is exactly what you should do. If there is no trust, there is no marriage whatever the marriage certificate says.
He has had many chances to reform and prove he is committed to you. He has used those chances to do the opposite. An injunction isn’t going to make him change his character, and the fact that you are asking this question shows (with good reason) you do not trust him.
Comment by Marten H — September 2, 2010 @ 5:18 am
You are trying to figure out where your future lies with a cheating husband. He will continue to cheat on you, if he feels like it, but I pray you won’t continue to allow his bad habit to consume and control your life. You are headed down the path to sickness for letting this take over you. You are already taking meds. Not a good thing. Why not do something good for yourself and let this man go? He is not healthy for you. God will make a way for you if you believe He will and if you believe you are worth so much better. You don’t have to live like this, angel. You need to leave.
Comment by TrustingT — September 2, 2010 @ 6:03 am
it sounds like he only ended the affair because you found out, he is not ready to give her up completely but then he is not sure what to do as he doesn’t want to hurt you but just remember the old saying ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER.
just be careful and think long and hard about if you can ever trust him again as a relationship means nothing without trust
Comment by Davina — September 2, 2010 @ 6:04 am
It’s clear your husband is disillusioned and yes, a cheater. But if you cannot see this for yourself, we cannot help you.
I know you love your husband dearly and want to see him for his positive qualities, but please, do not let your marriage and emotions towards him blind you. This man has CHEATED on you over a significant period of time. When the affair ceased, HE tracked her down. HE continued to pursue her. Only he knows the reason for this, whether it’s the thrill of the chase, etc. But the fact of the matter is that your husband was unfaithful, he never confessed, he obviously does not feel sorry — or he would not be behaving this way still. It doesn’t really matter why he didn’t respond to her yet — maybe he has something else in mind. But I would not conclude that he’s stopped cheating from his current behavior. Look at it this way, say the woman wasn’t moving…say she told him that she’d like to continue the relationship, despite it breaking his marriage vows. Do you think he would stop responding to her then? Or do you think he’d remain in contact with her, as he has been for the past year now?
The fact of the matter is, your marriage seems to me that it’s hit a dead end. Marriage should be based on love, fidelity, trust, companionship, etc. And it seems to me that all of these extremely important fundamentals have been broken. Your husband has betrayed you. And YOU deserve better. If you refuse to leave, then please, seek professional help for the both of you.
Comment by itstrue. — September 2, 2010 @ 6:47 am
@ Catseyes – yes you did answer this before. I believe you are one of said “namecallers”. You referred to the other woman as something that actually came out as unprintable. Not very helpful, is it?
Comment by ☆♥Gift From Virgo♥☆ — September 2, 2010 @ 7:12 am
What marriage?
Comment by hlnlange — September 2, 2010 @ 8:09 am
You have no clue on what your husband is doing, sounds like he is still pulling your strings and hers. Get some serious therapy as an individual or couple to sort through this soap opera of a life.
Good luck!
Comment by Cute_lil_swingtowns_girl — September 2, 2010 @ 8:09 am