Question by Birham: Could you look at my detective story p2?
Jay looked as guilty as ever, he seemed frightened.
“What were you doing listening to our conversation” Ram screeched.
“nnnothing” Jay replied hesitantly.
“You were playing poker with Ved here and the others” Siva said with suspicion.
“yes, I was, what’s your point?” Said Jay
“You’re aware that Cloe Kaire died last night, she was found flooded in her own blood” Replies Siva
“You think it was me who killed her? Don’t you! It wasn’t me, I promise you that.
I have proof.
After the game, I went outside for some fresh air with Bray Cameron, you can ask him!”
“Matter of fact, I just might do that” Siva replied with courage
“Just one second Siva” Ram says as he stops her from leaving the room
“I don’t have to listen to you, you’re all a bunch of crazies” Said Jay
“Just one thing, got anything else you want to say to us?” Ram asks curiously
“Yeah, waking up is a strange reason to die” Jay replied sarcastically.
As Jay walked off Ram gave him a pathetic smile.
“I have a feeling it was him Ram”Siva says
No one replied.
[I want to have some more interrogating of the other suspects, but I don't know how to start it]
Hours later detective Ram walked alone in the gym and observed his surroundings, he saw the blood on the bare walls, splattered without any indication of where it all began and there in the dark corner of the room the scene he saw before his eyes was one of astonishment, even though he had witnessed many crimes before the body before him told the story of a women that had fought for her life till her last breath.
Whilst ram was examining the gymnasium he stumbled across a piece of evidence that would have surprised others in his place, but he showed a look of confirmation, he collected the object and kept it in his pocket and left the gym.
He then went to go see Siva and ask her to bring all the players who competed in the poker game last night.
No less then ten minutes and Ram had everyone in the room of DT7.
Some of the suspects didn’t seem phased by all this, but it wasn’t until Ram began to speak did they begin to listen.
“It was you, wasn’t it” Ram sneered at Jay.
Jay looked unamused.
“No, of course it couldn’t be you, you have an alibi.” Ram said sharply.
“Ram, why are you wasting your time accusing him, we no who did it!” Siva murmurs.
“Who Siva? Who did it?” Ram asks
“VED! It has his name written everywhere, he lost the game, got angry because he lost his zapper to Cloe and that’s why there was no zapper next to her at the crime scene while she lain dead.” Siva argued.
Ram just let out a smirk.
“How did you know his zapper was not at the crime scene?” Ram asks suspiciously
“It’s my job to know!” Siva replies in her defence.
“Say Siva, did you ever end up finding your bracelet?” Ram asks
“No, why bring that up when we’re in an important situation!” Siva replies displeased.
“No reason” Ram replies calmly.
“I have a feeling Siva, you know who committed the crime.” Ram says
“I do! VED!”Siva replies.
“Today, I went to go have a look at the spot where Cloe lain dead, what I found amused me, but confirmed everything.
Your bracelet Siva, it was there. You killed her, you killed Cloe.” Ram pulls out the bracelet.
Siva, You have the right to remain silent anything you or do will and can be used against you, on this day you have been accused of the murder of Cloe Kaire and setting up our fellow classmate Ved.
how could you do this, Siva?” says Ram
“Ram……….fine you caught me, but do you not remember what he does to us? Everyday of our life, he makes it hell, he deserves to be punished severely.” Siva yells.
“Siva, have you learned nothing! Justice is what we try to serve, how could you disobey it, he will get what he deserves, but only when the time is right. I’m disappointed in you.
Militia, take her away to the police.” Ram said both triumphantly and unamused.
Before Siva was able to say a word, Ram’s militia took her away.
“Ram! You did good, for a virt.” Ved said sarcastically
“Thanks…” Ram said unamused.
“Well, that was stupid” Ebony said displeased
“Agreed” Jay, Java and Mega said simultaneously.
[I don't know how to end a detective story, so I was hoping you could give me some suggestions.]
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100914053620AAadQfI&r=w
for part 1
Best answer:
Answer by Billet- Doux [overwhelmed]
To be frank, it really did not grasp my attention.
And that’s not really “detective fiction”. Was there even a real detective? And how the murderer was unveiled so bluntly? That’s not what crime fiction is supposed to achieve.
No! Crime fiction is supposed to have red herrings that allow the audience to immerse themselves in the story, guessing until the end. Not, “oh, here’s a bracelet. She’s the murderer”
It’s so trite.
And the conventions weren’t really in-depth. You’ve got the victim and the suspects, but where’s the weapon; the clues that lead to suspicion; the hard-boiled detective and his manipulative demeanour which helps him catch the killer?!
Your grammar is sloppy, too.
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